To the Last and Highest Degree

I struggle with understanding God's love.  Always have.  The fact that I am a sinner and that my sin has brought me under a perfect God's judgment makes complete sense to me.  But I cannot understand why God chooses to display His mercy to me when I don't deserve it.  I'm mad thankful for it, don't get me wrong, but it defies my reasoning capabilities.  Let me share with you something that blew my mind yesterday.

John 13:1(AMP) - " [NOW] BEFORE the Passover Feast began, Jesus knew (was fully aware) that the time had come for Him to leave this world and return to the Father. And as He had loved those who were His own in the world, He loved them to the last and to the highest degree." (emphasis added by me).

Now when God said He loved somebody to the "highest degree" that's not just puppy love.  That's the kind of love that only a God can obtain.  And when the passage mentions "those who were His own in the world" I get the distinct impression that he's not just talking about the 11 disciples.  He's talking about ALL the people in the world over all time that are His - meaning those who want him and choose to follow him.  Why, that includes ME!  Could it really be possible that at the last supper feast, when Jesus knew he was about to face the cross, when Jesus was "troubled in spirit" (v. 21), that he thought about me?  That he was reminding himself about all of his adopted children?  And how could he have loved us "to the highest degree" if he were not to give his life for us?

It's a topic I need to meditate on for at least the next couple of years. :)

Part Dos

Part 2 of my article "Carried Away" has been posted at http://www.risingvoice.com/format/thoughts/carried-away-part-2/.  Thank you to all who have read and left comments!  The more buzz the more likely I am to be invited to write again!  It is truly appreciated!

Rising Voice

It's here!  Part 1 of my article "Carried Away" was posted today on Rising Voice, a webzine brought to you by Citizenlink, an offiliate of Focus on the Family.  Part 2 will be posted tomorrow at risingvoice.com.  Check it out!!!

http://www.risingvoice.com/format/thoughts/carried-away/

Friendship Woes

Have you ever had to stand by while you watched a close friend make a decision that you feel is the wrong one?  Maybe it's not the wrong decision, but to you it just doesn't feel right.  Maybe you told this person your concerns and they blew you off.  Or maybe, like me, you haven't talked in a while and you wonder how can I start a 4 year gap in communication with "you are making a horrible life choice"?  It's a tough spot to be in, a painful one.  Any stories or thoughts?

Nicodemus, Myself

While reading through the book of John in the Amplified Bible, I was struck by the story of Nicodemus coming to Jesus in a way I never have been before.  You probably know the story from chapter 3 well.  Nicodemus, a Pharisee and member of the Sanhedrin, sneaks away to meet Jesus in the night.  He questions Christ about salvation, and Jesus tells him he must be born again of the spirit.  With just a little more research you will find out that the Pharisees were the religious leaders of the day.  They were, unfortunately, obsessed with works and legalism and were, to use a crass term, holier-than-thou.  They hated Jesus, because he claimed the authority from God that they desperately wanted, and he told them their hearts were corrupted.  But Nicodemus was different.  He saw the miracles of Jesus and started to let himself believe that maybe he was the Christ prophesied about.  But he was too ashamed to let his fellow Pharisees know this, so he snuck away like a criminal to see Jesus.

I've read the story a dozen times, but never before have I identified with the man.  Of course I would have a better understanding of the heart of the Old Testament.  I would never have been like a Pharisee!  (Not to mention that as a woman I would have been forbidden to pray out loud).  And yet, in 2011, after years of following Jesus, I find myself looking into Nicodemus' shrinking eyes and seeing myself in the reflection.

How am I like Nicodemus?  Is there a day that goes by that I do not deny Christ in some way?  The desire for acceptance often leads me away from my forgiving Father into a crowd of my peers.  I find myself wanting to fit in so much, I act is if I have to keep my Christianity hidden in a closet.  I'll let the conversation go just shy of too far, speak with answers I know others want to hear, and nod in agreement of activities I know I don't participate in.  I'll keep my Christianity a secret from people I just meet, only mentioning my faith when absolutely necessary.  It's like living a double life.  And the truth is, to be "successful" by the world's standards as a Christian, that is what you have to do.  But why, when I examine the consequences, would I choose to love the world when the Light of the world is beconning me to eternity with Him?  Oh that I could instead be like John the Baptist, whom we see later in the same chapter of John.  There was a man that lived a life without shame.  A man who spoke the Word of the Lord even when he was silent.  Oh that I could live my life like John, who was later beheaded for his faith, and entered eternity as a man who gave his all for love of the Lord.  Much more is such a life than the life led in cowardice.



(disclaimer:  I know that in a way it was brave for Nicodemus to risk his position for Christ.  But in the scope of eternity how much better is it to say "I don't even care about my position; I'm going to Jesus publicly."  I understand there is exception for people today in other parts of the world who must keep silent in persecution and share the Gospel in secrecy.  Take my comments with a grain of salt) :)

Success!

I recently posted a little teaser about a nibble I got from a publisher.  I am proud to announce that that organization is Focus on the Family and they have accepted my article for publication on their webzine, Rising Voice!  I'll be sure to post the link to the article here once it is uploaded!

Little Reminders

On the way back from court yesterday my car stalled out in the turn lane.  Panicked, all I could think of was this comical image of myself in the middle of the street trying fruitlessly to push my car to the shoulder for all of the halted drivers to see.  I was eventually able to restart the car and drive it, sputtering, to the shoulder.  Thankfully there was a Waffle House across the street where I was able to seek sanctuary while I waited almost 3 hours for the tow truck.  I'm so glad I didn't run my phone battery down playing Angry Birds that day.

It's the little things in life that remind me I'm not running the show.  I live in a fallen world, not "Monica Land."  Bad things happen every day, and I'm not exempt from them.  In this way God uses me to empathize with others, and help as I have been helped.  It's a reminder that we are all at some point helpless and vulnerable, not as independent as we all like to believe we are.  God reminded me of my dependence on Him, something I often try to deny.  He can give a car and take away a car, and even with no car I am far wealthier than most people in the world dream to be.

Car's in the shop, I'm anxiously awaiting the estimated damage.  I'm moved by how many coworkers have offered to give me rides, and am thankful to have a husband with a working vehicle.  I need these little reminders in my life that I don't control my own destiny, no matter how much I foolishly attempt to.

Nibble Nibble

What a Monday!  I had no idea when I shook myself awake this morning what God had in store for me!  I was just proud of myself for getting on the elliptical instead of sleeping in.

I got a nibble on my article submission!!  I submitted to a webzine that unfortunately rejected me but forwarded my article on to another webzine that may be a better fit!  Not sure if anything will come of it, but the editor thought it was good enough to forward on!  I can't say what the webzine is, you'll just have to guess.  Let's just say being associated with this organization would be a huge honor!

To top it all off, I've got court today to finalize an adoption for a sweet little boy.  I get to witness a child receiving a permanent family!  I never thought a Monday could be so sweet!

The Distressed Maiden Factor

Boys really like rushing to the aid of a lady in distress, even if she's not all that distressed.  It all started a few weeks ago when I just wanted to listen to my Jeremy Camp cd.  I was changing cds and driving through my apartment complex when I didn't notice the gutter that juts out from the curb.  POW!  I popped my passenger tire. My husband graciously took off the damaged tire and drove to Discount Tire to get a replacement.  However, I hit so hard that I cracked the rim, and a new one had to be ordered.

I went in today to replace the rim.  I was further frustrated to learn from staff that my two back tires are worn and need to be replaced as well.  "Let's wait until I can contact my husband." I told the incredulous attendant. "But you need tires!  What if you have to drive in the rain?"  I'm thinking "I'll be living in the rain if I buy those tires without checking the bank account first" but politely answered, "I just need to check my budget, I'll come back tomorrow if it's ok."  All eyes were on me in the waiting room as he rolled the tread-less tire back outside.  Immediately criticism and advice starting coming from all sides of the waiting area from the men waiting on their cars.  "Does your husband do the maintenance?" "Did you contact the apartment complex about painting that gutter?" "You need to rotate your tires more often" "Who changes your oil?" etc. etc.  You would have thought I didn't know what a car was.  One gentleman told me "You should rotate your tires after every oil change.  Every 5,000 miles."  "Every 5,000?" I replied, sure that I needed to change my oil more frequently than that.  "You don't know much about cars, do you?"  the man replied.  I wanted to say "You don't know much about knitting, do you?" but withheld my words.  Soon my car was ready and I rolled into work, glad to be far away from the testosterone ridden tire shop.  Alas, sounds like I'll be a stressed maiden again far too soon.

2 Years Later

You may or may not know that in May 2010 a devastating flood swept through the city of Nashville.  Dozens were killed as a result of the flood and many people lost their homes.  The Opryland Hotel and Opry Mills Mall were destroyed, both huge sources of income for Nashville.  A year later, many homes are still left vacant as flood victims were unable to afford to rebuild.  Many places have rebuilt including Opryland and the Opryland hotel, which have been open for business for several months.  It was reported yesterday that at last Opry Mills Mall has set a date for relaunch.  The mega-mall will reopen in March of 2012 (see http://www.wsmv.com/story/14949074/opry-mills-to-reopen-in-march-2012 for the full story).  March 2012. Wow.  It amazes me that it will take 2 years to recover something that was destroyed within an hour.  I can't forget the aerial shots on the news of the mall I have visited time and time again, the flood waters rushing out the doors carrying loads of merchandise with it like a giant demented washing machine.  It's not about a mall, of course.  It's about recovery and normality.  It's about adapting and overcoming.  No doubt the re-opening will a fresh breath, a beacon of hope for the citizens of Nashville.  Proof positive that we can move forward. I can't wait.

Lessons from Hatchlings

For the past several weeks I have watched an elegant momma bluejay sit on her nest.  Being on the top floor, her little crafted home was eye level to our guest room.  She puffed out her little body during rainstorms, and cut her beady eyes at me when she would catch me staring.  I've watched her little eggs hatch and seen tiny bald balls with wide open mouths awaiting her return.  Day after day she stuck by her hatchlings.  Poppa bluejay occassionally made his appearance by dropping off bugs he'd snatched from the earth.  The bald heads that seemed to be all mouth gradually filled out until one day they looked like adult bird heads.  Gaulky and half-feathered, the 5 hatchlings began overtaking the nest until there was no room for momma.  It was the next day when I observed the nest empty.  Fighting my instincts, I couldn't help but look down.  There on the isolated ground I saw two little ones.  Were they pushed from the nest, did they fall, were they not mature enough yet to fly?  Where are the other 3?  Did they make it?  Is momma bird mournful, or have her instincts simply told her to move on?  Questions like these flood my mind, and I wonder how many little birds mature successfully to adulthood, and what is the point of caring for them so meticulously when half of them won't make it? I search for meaning in the tragedy, but my futile mind finds none.  All I can remember in this moment are the words of our sweet Savior:

 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And [yet] not one of them is forgotten or uncared for in the presence of God. But [even] the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be struck with fear or seized with alarm; you are of greater worth than many [flocks] of sparrows." -Luke 12:6,7 (AMP)

Sparknotes Got Me Through College. Now There's....

So I found this great new website I wanted to share!  It's http://www.sparkrecipes.com/ and all the recipes listed are low calorie and healthy.  The calorie content is listed for all them, and for those of you doing the sugar-free diet with me, I've only found one recipe so far that calls for sugar (brown sugar to be exact!).  Most of the recipes that require sugar call for splenda.  Of course you have to make up your own mind about artificial sweeteners.  A good friend of mine who is a 4th year med student said there is no research to support a link between artificial sweeteners and cancer.  He is a diabetic and guzzles Diet Coke like it's water.  I have my own less educated opinions - it just doesn't seem right to ingest something that isn't food into your body.  Aren't artificial sweeteners just chemicals?  And yet all too often I find myself ordering that Diet Coke with my lunch at Subway, and feasting on sugar free fro-yo at Sweet Cece's.  Anyway, I've found some great recipes on this site and there are hundreds listed.  You can browse by meal, ethnic cuisine, dietary restrictions, and, my personal favorite, "time to make."  There's no feeling in the world like throwing a bunch of stuff in a crockpot and knowing you'll have a healthy, low-cal dinner when you get home.  Unless I have a day off work, minimal prep is my favorite phrase. :)

Just Let Go...It's So Easy!

Time and time again I hear people talking about submitting their wills to Christ and letting Him take over their day to day lives.  This is wonderful, if I may understate it, but the wording makes it sound so easy.  It's as if one can simply say "here you go, God, I'm all yours!" and instantly those selfish "But I WANT" thoughts leave one's mind forever.  I have not found this to be my experience.  Whenever I get fed up of making poor decisions and tell God I'd rather do it His way, no sooner have the words left my lips than the "but I wants" start creeping into the picture.

I had to sit back and ask myself how I really think God wants me to spend my time.  Not in a faraway, one-day-I'll-be-a-missionary sense, but in a practical, within-the-next-24-hours sense.  Based on the example of Jesus in Scripture, I figured God would probably like it if I kept Him in mind in everything I do.  How can I do that practically?  Also based on the example of Jesus, I thought the easiest way would be to start the morning off reading the Word and getting in some prayer time.  Somehow I always talk myself out of this because there are other things I think I need to be doing.  I spent some time with a college friend of mine and his wife this month, and he made a challenging statement, "I'd rather have a wife that has had her quiet time than a wife that has cleaned the house."  A bold statement, and one that really made me question my priorities.  Why exactly do I think the dishes need to be washed when their is an eternal Creator that would like to be acknowledged by His creation?  So I started taking the time out to read the Word and spend a few moments in prayer with my Abba.

What surprised me about taking the time to do this every morning, even when I'm tired and I want to get to work on time and I need to thaw out the chicken, is that my thoughts really were more full of the Lord throughout the daytime.  It made it so much easier to make the right decisions because God was at the forefront of my mind.  How incredible to have eternity at the top of my priority list!

And for the record, no, I didn't get as much done this week as I would have liked to.  My complicated seared chicken recipe did not get made.  I didn't hit the snooze button for 15 extra minutes of sleep in the morning.  It was hard work committing to my time in the Word in the morning and at night.  But the cats still got fed, the apartment stayed relatively clean, I didn't lose sleep and I was productive at work.  My relationships were better and I was much less tempted to take part in the gossip at work.  James knew what he was talking about when he wrote "“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8).  Take the extra effort today to commune with God! 

"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity." -John Piper

Announcing the New Blog Title!

Finally picked an original title I can google and nothing else comes up! :)  I gathered this title (with a little help) from words and images I have used in past poetry.  I hope you enjoy! :)

Mary Catherine Strobel Volunteer Awards

I was privileged to attend this year's award luncheon in Cool Springs.  The dining room was filled with many inspiring men and women from across Tennessee.  From an 11 year old who raised over $2000 for the food bank, to an 80 year old woman who continues to wash and mend clothing for the poor after over 30 years, to an organization who produces bike riding events for the blind, I am honored to have heard your stories today.  And thanks to the Youth Villages Mentor Liaisons, you all work round the clock to keep me sane!!

That's me!

The spread

Inside the marriott hotel in cool springs

Waiting outside the Mary Catherine Strobel Volunteer Award Luncheon!

Monochromatic Marriages and the South

Believe it or not, I do try to stay away from this subject.  But sometimes it simply cannot be ignored.  It is a rare thing of wonder to be a biracial couple in the South.  Sometimes I feel like a zoo animal.  What is so curious, I wonder, about my life?  Indeed, I fear I am developing a narcistic image from it all, as if I need to look my best at every outing due to the many heads I will turn (though not in the traditional sense).  Yesterday in the check out line in Kroger the cashier asked, "I'm sorry, are y'all dating?"  I looked at my husband of three years.  "We're married"  I replied.  An awkward silence was followed by "I see you two in here all the time.  I just wondered."  Now let's not be naive here, how many monoracial couples had she asked this question to that day?  Ignoring the creepy stalkerish feeling I got from the words "I see you two in here all the time" I couldn't help but feel frustrated and embarassed for the cashier's ignorance.  I don't feel the comment came from a place of hatred or disgust, but nonetheless I can't help but at times be hurt by how incredulous it is to some people that my husband is actually my husband.  We frequent a Subway near our home and on one occassion I offered to go alone to grab breakfast.  I was met with the question "Where is your friend?"  My friend?  The "friend" that I am here with at least weekly with whom we always pay together?  The "friend" that has a huge shiny wedding ring on that has an interesting design that is difficult to miss?  Now you may say I'm being overly sensitive.  But I have to ask you, honestly, how many same-race married couples get asked by the cashier if they are married?  How many really?

I have a friend who is also in an interracial marriage who calls herself biracial.  At first I thought it to be silly, because people don't look at her aside from her husband and think she must have an African-American parent.  But the longer I am married the more I understand she is talking about being mentally biracial - seeing the world through the eyes of a person with white skin as well as a person with black skin.  It continues to amaze me how different the world looks from both points of view.  Last Christmas I went to a store with my husband and my father.  Both of them picked up two jars of jam each.  My father walked right by the cashier to the other side of the store.  My husband followed him.  As my husband passed the cashier she said "Let me hold those up here for you."  My husband set the jars down at the counter and turned to walk toward me.  It hurt my heart when he whispered "she thought I was going to steal those."  It's difficult to deny evidence of prejudice like that.  I could go on and on about the countless times we have been prejudiced against, like the first time in my life I couldn't get service at the perfume counter at Dillards.  But this post is not about prejudice or hatred.  It is about being unashamed in the midst of a culture that doesn't understand.  It is about being so comfortable in your own skin that you, like me, are surprised when someone questions it.  It is about seeing the world in a new way.  And I thank God for the opportunity to experience the world in new ways and with greater understanding.

A Musing

In just a few weeks I will have been out of college as long as I was in it.  This breeds contemplation over the events that have taken place within the last four years.  The August following graduation, I crossed the Mississippi River into the state I would call home.  It was a rite, if you will, a symbolic crossing into a new life, a leaving behind of adolescence, an acceptance of responsibility.  I plunged into the unknown at full speed.  Hadn't I been waiting for it my whole life?

With a little trial and error I got my first professional job and moved into a one bedroom apartment.  It would be the first apartment of my married life as well, but when I moved in I had nothing but a bed a friend had given me.  I ate cheap meals on my locker which also held all my clothes, and worked out in the empty living room.  Six months after graduating college I was an engaged woman.  Six months after that I was married.

The transition into adult life was difficult to say the least.  There was bitterness and loneliness at the loss of old friends.  But their was joy and pride in living a life that was all mine.  I have forgiven more in the last 4 years than I ever thought I could.  My new husband and I transitioned to Nashville, the tiniest big city I know.  A break in last year rocked our illusion of security, but we saw the faithfulness of God in the midst of it.  We are learning what it means to have a Biblical marriage, little by little, and are entering into a new phase of our lives.  This next phase is called "Jerrion goes to grad school."  My walk with God has been shaky, but I have learned more about who He is by knowing Him in different phases of my life.  He is unchanging, and my mind has to find new ways to wrap itself around Him.  He is a friendly mystery. 

I still cannot believe it has been 8 years since I was in my parent's house.  Reflecting on the past allows a deeper understanding of events and better ways to cope.  I welcome the years to come, however many God chooses to give.

God Works...And At the Perfect Time

Yesterday morning was wonderful.  I woke up at 6:30 am to see that someone (shout out to aelaine76!) had posted a sweet message on my blog post Too Weak to Get on My Knees.  Since from time to time I wonder if anyone even reads this, I was elated to see a comment at all.  But then to think that I could have actually benefited someone in someway from writing about what God is teaching me - really just blew me away.  It got my week off to an amazing start.  Finally I thought, "Ok God, You are using me for some purpose."  This afternoon I was sitting at my desk putting together presentation packets when I received an email from a publisher I had submitted an article to.  "...Unfortunately, your article was not accepted..." Shucks.  Even though I had prepared myself for this, it still stung a little.  Last weekend my friend Sallie had told me "Getting published is like fishing.  Some articles will get a bite, some won't."  Despite my disappointment, I keep remembering the simple comment I received in my blog post.  Just because one company said no, doesn't mean God won't use my voice somewhere.  I love that God knew just what I needed to hear - and exactly when I needed to hear it.

And...It Starts

Realizing that if I don't do it I won't do it, I finally finished polishing my article.  I just submitted it to the first hopeful publisher!  Can't wait to see what happens!!!

Too weak to get on my knees

Let me first admit before all of cyber space something that God has always known - I am terrible at prayer.  Give me the Bible, I can read it all day, set me down with a pen and journal and Bible commentary and I'll write my way through a Bible study, but ask how often I've verbalized my heart with God, and I'll turn strawberry red and shy away.  I'm not sure what it is about talking with God that makes me so nervous.  In all honesty, I think it's pride.  Not pride like I think I'm too good to bow before an infinite Creator, but pride in that instead of looking toward the unending grace of God, I look inside at my guilt and sin and prefer to try to hide like Adam and Eve in the garden.

In light of this weakness I have been reading Alone with God, a book about prayer by my current fav. author, John MacArthur.  I admit, it's been a painfully slow read, because to be totally honest I am not that interested in its content, to my own downfall.  However, the information I have found to be invaluable.

Rev. MacArthur spends the majority of the book outlining the "Lord's Prayer" which he has renamed "The Disciples' Prayer" since Jesus was teaching the disciples how they ought to pray.  I've never been one for coloring in the lines (literally, I failed a coloring assignment in 2nd grade because I colored the sky green.  In my mind, I was thinking the picture should be set in the mountains, and there was a big grassy mountain in the background.  My teacher clearly did not appreciate this assumption.), so the thought of following a formula for prayer, even one created by God, made me nervous.  However, in practice, I have found it completely freeing to follow the pattern Jesus set.  We begin with honoring and worshipping God, acknowledging and requesting His perfect and holy will as the ultimate for every creation, asking for what we need, confessing our sins, forgiving others, asking for help against sin, and again acknowledging the holines of God.  Far from being restricting, it has left me with so much to say to God!  I used to struggle with my words, but praying this way provides a guide I truly needed, a method that ensures I am connecting with my God.

Another interesting thing the book discusses is what we ask God for.  Rev. MacArthur reminds us of Matt. 6:31-32 "So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them." He makes the point that things we often pray for are really vain.  We ask God for a job, for the bills to be paid, etc., when really He has already told us He knows what we need and He'll provide.  I have been amazed at how God has responded to my attempts at praying to Him.  It reminds me of the often misinterpreted verse, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4).  I love how when I delight in God, the desires of my heart turn away from vain things, and instead I desire more of God! And that is exactly what He gives me, more of Himself!

What We All Need

When I was younger I used to think that if someone I was in love with asked me to marry him, then I would know I was loved and feel loved forever.  I was confident that that single moment would forever satisfy my aching need to be accepted and delighted in.  Well, one December afternoon about 3 years ago the man I love did get down on one knee and speak that magical phrase: "I love you.  Will you marry me?"  And I did feel loved and accepted and delighted in.  There were fuzzy stars and hearts dancing around my head and I'm pretty confident there were cute penguins dancing around and eating pink cupcakes in excitement.  Life was good.  But looking back I ask the question, did I even make it through the whole night before I needed to hear "I love you" again?

It continues to amaze me the depth of the unsatisfaction of my heart.  There is that constant, hungering, unquenchable ache for love and acceptance.  It is a desire so strong that even when that man I love tells me for the 20,000th time that he loves me, there's a part of me that asks "Does he really mean that?  And will he feel the same tomorrow?"  Indeed, it is a hunger that God Himself has put inside the human heart, and God alone can quench it.  But not even a simple "I love you" from God one time is enough to satisfy.  It is a need that brings us to His feet day after day in an effort to drink and be filled.  And God does not withold Himself.  But without this constant need in our hearts, would we one day have enough and say we need no more assurance, no more guidance, no more of God's love?  And then where would we be?  I'm sure we have all at some point in our lives fallen into the deep chasm of trying to live on our own, only to find ourselves lost and destitute.  It is that aforementioned weakness that actually keeps us strong in the arms of God.

I am so thankful that God addresses our need for love all throughout His Word.  It is a message He repeats time and time again.  And if hearing Him say "I love you" is not proof enough that He does, don't forget that whole giving up of His Son for sinners thing.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. -Isaiah 54:10

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. -Jeremiah 31:3

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children- -Psalm 103:17

No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
-John 16:27

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
 -Romans 5:8

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! -1 John 3:1

Publishing Jitters

ACK!  I finally submitted an article I wrote to a few of my literary friends for some feedback before I send to magazines to see if anyone wants to publish the thing.  Wow when I first wrote it I thought "This is awesome!  I bet someone pays me $500 for it!"  But when I looked back today to proofread, I'm thinking the free Nashville Parent Magazine wouldn't even want it as a donation.  Yikes!  Yesterday the pastor at my new rocker church was talking about setting goals for our lives, and I was really reminded about how God has given me this talent and desire but I never use it for His glory.  So here goes, deep breath....let's see what happens!!!

Monochromatic beauty!

Disappointed

"For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you. But they will have to give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead." -1 Peter 4:3-5

Time and again Scripture emphasizes the set apartness of the believer in regards to sin.  Not that a believer does not sin, but that he has been made aware of his sin and its detrimental consequences.  We are told not to be surprised by the evil deeds of our neighbors, because we are in fact the suprising ones - a minority, if you will - a people who stand against what the world promotes.  I am by no means perfect (just ask anyone who knows me) but there are certain things I just will not do.  And yet, despite everything Scripture has to say about Satan being the "prince of this world" I am still shocked and saddened by the choices people make.  I know God must feel the same way toward me.  It's difficult to watch a friend engage in practices that are ruining her life.  As an outsider looking in, I can see the long term consequences of those choices, and they are indeed self-destructive.  My loving words of warning are met with attitude, and I wonder how many times God has said "Don't." and I've responded with a big "Whatever."  It is a mournful thing to stand helplessly by as a loved one destroys themselves.  I won't be the one to say "I told you so."  Instead I'll say "I still love you.  You can choose a new path right now."  Isn't that what God tells me every day?

I was also reminded this weekend how hateful people can be regarding the choice I made in my husband.  Though it doesn't happen very often, there are the stares, the angry eyes, the disapproving looks.  The whispered words you think we can't hear.  The hate you turn and teach to your children.  Amazing how in America you can be gay but you can't be a biracial couple.  It's almost flattering, in a way, to think that people can look at me and care enough to be hateful.  I married my husband because I had never met anyone with quite the outlook on the kingdom of God that he has.  I know he loves Jesus because he lives the Gospel.  How could I not marry a man like that?

^"Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother’s were righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death." -1 John 3:12-14

Monster, Unsweetened: A Warning to My Sugar-Free Friends

As many of you know, I have recently embarked on a journey to eliminate excess white sugar from my diet.  Refined sugar robs the body of nutrients, supresses the immune system, and can even cause wrinkles to the skin.  My primary reason for getting off the stuff, however, is for my own mental health.  Refined sugar is also known to cause anxiety, an issue I've struggled with for some time.  God is very clear in His Word that we are not to be "anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil. 4:6).  Scripturally this is handled through faith in God, and by a laying down of your own wills and desires to the Creator.  And although anxiety cannot be cured any other way, I don't believe it wrong to help yourself out by removing any known physical causes.  Going sugar free has been much easier than I anticipated, and I love that my energy now stays consistent throughout the day.  I do feel calmer, and though I suppose only my husband could attest if this is true, I do feel that I don't freak out as much.

That said, let me warn about the weirdest physical experience I've had in a while.  On Thursday of this week I traveled an hour away to another office within my company for some adoption training.  I left around 9, and stopped to grab a tall mild brew from Starbucks.  I didn't worry about breakfast because, seriously, how long could this really take?  I expected to be done in 2 hours and perhaps meet up with some friends for lunch before I had to head back to Nashville for a Child Family Team Meeting at 3.  Now, I have never experienced what it is like to be diabetic.  I worked at a camp for diabetic kids once, and we were told what the children are like when they experience being "low."  The kids become very angry and irritable and do not act at all like themselves until someone provides some kind of sugary snack to get their sugar level back on target.  I in no way mean any disrespect, as I have friends and in-laws with diabetes, and in no way do I pretend to understand what they go through.  All I can state is what I experienced and how I felt.

The training began to drag on, and although interesting, I began to have trouble listening as it went on well past lunch time.  I became increasingly irritable and felt very warm.  By about 1 pm I remember thinking, "If I left right now I wouldn't make it to the restaurant before I died."  And indeed, that's how I felt - like I was dying.  I know it sounds crazy dramatic - believe me, I felt crazy! Now 10 out of 10 people who meet me can tell I'm no scientist.  But my best guess is that because I don't eat refined sugar, there's no excess sugar in my body - I have to receive it through the food I eat.  I think that at this point I was really feeling the lack of sugar, and all my body was going on was straight caffeine.  I dragged myself away at 1:30, knowing I had barely enough time to stop before I had to head to Nashville.  As I got out on the main road, the light turned red and I had to stop.  It was at this moment that I started uncontrollably crying.  It was the like my body and my mind had completely separated from each other.  While I was sobbing, my mind was thinking, "You have truly gone insane!  You are on your way to eat!  Why in the world are you crying? Stop!"  But I couldn't stop.  I really couldn't.  I whipped into Wendy's and ordered a chicken sandwich combo.  Before I made it to the highway I had devoured the fries (the new natural cut ones, love those!).  When I was about 3/4 of the way done with my sandwich, my entire mood changed.  I suddenly felt completely at peace.  I was calm and content, as if absolutely nothing had happened at all.

The moral of the story is an empty sugar-free stomach and straight caffeine make an insane combination.  I've been trying to think of a spiritual parallel for what I experienced, but nothing comes to mind.  What do you think?

Intro

I always thought blogging was narcistic, even though I'm a writer, and writers by nature are narcistic.  Why, I wonder, would anyone care to read my rambling, mundane, ill-composed thoughts?  A published article, I could understand, with the polish of a careful editor and a printing in a magazine of interest.  However, several close friends and my loving husband have inspired me to take the plunge into ego land.  I don't write half as often as the right side of my brain prompts me to, but I'll do my best to update frequently.  This can be the creative outlet I often supress because it seems of little use when dishes need washing and the Office is on.  What do I hope for this blog?  Deep thoughts.  Contemplations.  New ideas.  I've recently discovered my deep need for quiet time at the end of the day - time to stop doing and start thinking.  Time to meditate on the Word of my sweet Jesus.  Perhaps this can be helpful in aiding that.  What will I write about?  I hope to discuss first of all what I've learned from God and how it effects my daily life.  I'm sure I'll include my cooking triumphs (from scratch margarita chicken) and failures (charcoaled undercooked brownies) as well as my constant attempt at pilates, a sport I love but always seem to talk myself out of doing.  My new life as a sugar-free woman, and maybe a poem or two although I'm always paranoid someone will plagiarize and make millions.  And of course my writing submissions and inevitable rejections.  I hope this blog will challenge me to do all the things I always just seem to talk about.

As for the name, I "borrowed" it out of a line from a Norah Jones blues song.  I encourage you to check it out.  And now for your reading pleasure, an excerpt from "New York City":

"And did I mention the note that I found
Taped to my locked front door
It talked about no regrets
As it slipped from my hand to the scuffed tile floor

I rode the train for hours on end
And watched the people pass me by
It could be that it has no end
Just an action junkie's lullaby

New York City
Such a beautiful disease
New York City
Such a beautiful,
Such a beautiful disease"