Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monochromatic Marriages and the South
Believe it or not, I do try to stay away from this subject. But sometimes it simply cannot be ignored. It is a rare thing of wonder to be a biracial couple in the South. Sometimes I feel like a zoo animal. What is so curious, I wonder, about my life? Indeed, I fear I am developing a narcistic image from it all, as if I need to look my best at every outing due to the many heads I will turn (though not in the traditional sense). Yesterday in the check out line in Kroger the cashier asked, "I'm sorry, are y'all dating?" I looked at my husband of three years. "We're married" I replied. An awkward silence was followed by "I see you two in here all the time. I just wondered." Now let's not be naive here, how many monoracial couples had she asked this question to that day? Ignoring the creepy stalkerish feeling I got from the words "I see you two in here all the time" I couldn't help but feel frustrated and embarassed for the cashier's ignorance. I don't feel the comment came from a place of hatred or disgust, but nonetheless I can't help but at times be hurt by how incredulous it is to some people that my husband is actually my husband. We frequent a Subway near our home and on one occassion I offered to go alone to grab breakfast. I was met with the question "Where is your friend?" My friend? The "friend" that I am here with at least weekly with whom we always pay together? The "friend" that has a huge shiny wedding ring on that has an interesting design that is difficult to miss? Now you may say I'm being overly sensitive. But I have to ask you, honestly, how many same-race married couples get asked by the cashier if they are married? How many really?
I have a friend who is also in an interracial marriage who calls herself biracial. At first I thought it to be silly, because people don't look at her aside from her husband and think she must have an African-American parent. But the longer I am married the more I understand she is talking about being mentally biracial - seeing the world through the eyes of a person with white skin as well as a person with black skin. It continues to amaze me how different the world looks from both points of view. Last Christmas I went to a store with my husband and my father. Both of them picked up two jars of jam each. My father walked right by the cashier to the other side of the store. My husband followed him. As my husband passed the cashier she said "Let me hold those up here for you." My husband set the jars down at the counter and turned to walk toward me. It hurt my heart when he whispered "she thought I was going to steal those." It's difficult to deny evidence of prejudice like that. I could go on and on about the countless times we have been prejudiced against, like the first time in my life I couldn't get service at the perfume counter at Dillards. But this post is not about prejudice or hatred. It is about being unashamed in the midst of a culture that doesn't understand. It is about being so comfortable in your own skin that you, like me, are surprised when someone questions it. It is about seeing the world in a new way. And I thank God for the opportunity to experience the world in new ways and with greater understanding.
I have a friend who is also in an interracial marriage who calls herself biracial. At first I thought it to be silly, because people don't look at her aside from her husband and think she must have an African-American parent. But the longer I am married the more I understand she is talking about being mentally biracial - seeing the world through the eyes of a person with white skin as well as a person with black skin. It continues to amaze me how different the world looks from both points of view. Last Christmas I went to a store with my husband and my father. Both of them picked up two jars of jam each. My father walked right by the cashier to the other side of the store. My husband followed him. As my husband passed the cashier she said "Let me hold those up here for you." My husband set the jars down at the counter and turned to walk toward me. It hurt my heart when he whispered "she thought I was going to steal those." It's difficult to deny evidence of prejudice like that. I could go on and on about the countless times we have been prejudiced against, like the first time in my life I couldn't get service at the perfume counter at Dillards. But this post is not about prejudice or hatred. It is about being unashamed in the midst of a culture that doesn't understand. It is about being so comfortable in your own skin that you, like me, are surprised when someone questions it. It is about seeing the world in a new way. And I thank God for the opportunity to experience the world in new ways and with greater understanding.
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Musing
In just a few weeks I will have been out of college as long as I was in it. This breeds contemplation over the events that have taken place within the last four years. The August following graduation, I crossed the Mississippi River into the state I would call home. It was a rite, if you will, a symbolic crossing into a new life, a leaving behind of adolescence, an acceptance of responsibility. I plunged into the unknown at full speed. Hadn't I been waiting for it my whole life?
With a little trial and error I got my first professional job and moved into a one bedroom apartment. It would be the first apartment of my married life as well, but when I moved in I had nothing but a bed a friend had given me. I ate cheap meals on my locker which also held all my clothes, and worked out in the empty living room. Six months after graduating college I was an engaged woman. Six months after that I was married.
The transition into adult life was difficult to say the least. There was bitterness and loneliness at the loss of old friends. But their was joy and pride in living a life that was all mine. I have forgiven more in the last 4 years than I ever thought I could. My new husband and I transitioned to Nashville, the tiniest big city I know. A break in last year rocked our illusion of security, but we saw the faithfulness of God in the midst of it. We are learning what it means to have a Biblical marriage, little by little, and are entering into a new phase of our lives. This next phase is called "Jerrion goes to grad school." My walk with God has been shaky, but I have learned more about who He is by knowing Him in different phases of my life. He is unchanging, and my mind has to find new ways to wrap itself around Him. He is a friendly mystery.
I still cannot believe it has been 8 years since I was in my parent's house. Reflecting on the past allows a deeper understanding of events and better ways to cope. I welcome the years to come, however many God chooses to give.
With a little trial and error I got my first professional job and moved into a one bedroom apartment. It would be the first apartment of my married life as well, but when I moved in I had nothing but a bed a friend had given me. I ate cheap meals on my locker which also held all my clothes, and worked out in the empty living room. Six months after graduating college I was an engaged woman. Six months after that I was married.
The transition into adult life was difficult to say the least. There was bitterness and loneliness at the loss of old friends. But their was joy and pride in living a life that was all mine. I have forgiven more in the last 4 years than I ever thought I could. My new husband and I transitioned to Nashville, the tiniest big city I know. A break in last year rocked our illusion of security, but we saw the faithfulness of God in the midst of it. We are learning what it means to have a Biblical marriage, little by little, and are entering into a new phase of our lives. This next phase is called "Jerrion goes to grad school." My walk with God has been shaky, but I have learned more about who He is by knowing Him in different phases of my life. He is unchanging, and my mind has to find new ways to wrap itself around Him. He is a friendly mystery.
I still cannot believe it has been 8 years since I was in my parent's house. Reflecting on the past allows a deeper understanding of events and better ways to cope. I welcome the years to come, however many God chooses to give.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
God Works...And At the Perfect Time
Yesterday morning was wonderful. I woke up at 6:30 am to see that someone (shout out to aelaine76!) had posted a sweet message on my blog post Too Weak to Get on My Knees. Since from time to time I wonder if anyone even reads this, I was elated to see a comment at all. But then to think that I could have actually benefited someone in someway from writing about what God is teaching me - really just blew me away. It got my week off to an amazing start. Finally I thought, "Ok God, You are using me for some purpose." This afternoon I was sitting at my desk putting together presentation packets when I received an email from a publisher I had submitted an article to. "...Unfortunately, your article was not accepted..." Shucks. Even though I had prepared myself for this, it still stung a little. Last weekend my friend Sallie had told me "Getting published is like fishing. Some articles will get a bite, some won't." Despite my disappointment, I keep remembering the simple comment I received in my blog post. Just because one company said no, doesn't mean God won't use my voice somewhere. I love that God knew just what I needed to hear - and exactly when I needed to hear it.
Monday, March 21, 2011
And...It Starts
Realizing that if I don't do it I won't do it, I finally finished polishing my article. I just submitted it to the first hopeful publisher! Can't wait to see what happens!!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Too weak to get on my knees
Let me first admit before all of cyber space something that God has always known - I am terrible at prayer. Give me the Bible, I can read it all day, set me down with a pen and journal and Bible commentary and I'll write my way through a Bible study, but ask how often I've verbalized my heart with God, and I'll turn strawberry red and shy away. I'm not sure what it is about talking with God that makes me so nervous. In all honesty, I think it's pride. Not pride like I think I'm too good to bow before an infinite Creator, but pride in that instead of looking toward the unending grace of God, I look inside at my guilt and sin and prefer to try to hide like Adam and Eve in the garden.
In light of this weakness I have been reading Alone with God, a book about prayer by my current fav. author, John MacArthur. I admit, it's been a painfully slow read, because to be totally honest I am not that interested in its content, to my own downfall. However, the information I have found to be invaluable.
Rev. MacArthur spends the majority of the book outlining the "Lord's Prayer" which he has renamed "The Disciples' Prayer" since Jesus was teaching the disciples how they ought to pray. I've never been one for coloring in the lines (literally, I failed a coloring assignment in 2nd grade because I colored the sky green. In my mind, I was thinking the picture should be set in the mountains, and there was a big grassy mountain in the background. My teacher clearly did not appreciate this assumption.), so the thought of following a formula for prayer, even one created by God, made me nervous. However, in practice, I have found it completely freeing to follow the pattern Jesus set. We begin with honoring and worshipping God, acknowledging and requesting His perfect and holy will as the ultimate for every creation, asking for what we need, confessing our sins, forgiving others, asking for help against sin, and again acknowledging the holines of God. Far from being restricting, it has left me with so much to say to God! I used to struggle with my words, but praying this way provides a guide I truly needed, a method that ensures I am connecting with my God.
Another interesting thing the book discusses is what we ask God for. Rev. MacArthur reminds us of Matt. 6:31-32 "So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them." He makes the point that things we often pray for are really vain. We ask God for a job, for the bills to be paid, etc., when really He has already told us He knows what we need and He'll provide. I have been amazed at how God has responded to my attempts at praying to Him. It reminds me of the often misinterpreted verse, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4). I love how when I delight in God, the desires of my heart turn away from vain things, and instead I desire more of God! And that is exactly what He gives me, more of Himself!
In light of this weakness I have been reading Alone with God, a book about prayer by my current fav. author, John MacArthur. I admit, it's been a painfully slow read, because to be totally honest I am not that interested in its content, to my own downfall. However, the information I have found to be invaluable.
Rev. MacArthur spends the majority of the book outlining the "Lord's Prayer" which he has renamed "The Disciples' Prayer" since Jesus was teaching the disciples how they ought to pray. I've never been one for coloring in the lines (literally, I failed a coloring assignment in 2nd grade because I colored the sky green. In my mind, I was thinking the picture should be set in the mountains, and there was a big grassy mountain in the background. My teacher clearly did not appreciate this assumption.), so the thought of following a formula for prayer, even one created by God, made me nervous. However, in practice, I have found it completely freeing to follow the pattern Jesus set. We begin with honoring and worshipping God, acknowledging and requesting His perfect and holy will as the ultimate for every creation, asking for what we need, confessing our sins, forgiving others, asking for help against sin, and again acknowledging the holines of God. Far from being restricting, it has left me with so much to say to God! I used to struggle with my words, but praying this way provides a guide I truly needed, a method that ensures I am connecting with my God.
Another interesting thing the book discusses is what we ask God for. Rev. MacArthur reminds us of Matt. 6:31-32 "So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them." He makes the point that things we often pray for are really vain. We ask God for a job, for the bills to be paid, etc., when really He has already told us He knows what we need and He'll provide. I have been amazed at how God has responded to my attempts at praying to Him. It reminds me of the often misinterpreted verse, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4). I love how when I delight in God, the desires of my heart turn away from vain things, and instead I desire more of God! And that is exactly what He gives me, more of Himself!
Friday, February 11, 2011
What We All Need
When I was younger I used to think that if someone I was in love with asked me to marry him, then I would know I was loved and feel loved forever. I was confident that that single moment would forever satisfy my aching need to be accepted and delighted in. Well, one December afternoon about 3 years ago the man I love did get down on one knee and speak that magical phrase: "I love you. Will you marry me?" And I did feel loved and accepted and delighted in. There were fuzzy stars and hearts dancing around my head and I'm pretty confident there were cute penguins dancing around and eating pink cupcakes in excitement. Life was good. But looking back I ask the question, did I even make it through the whole night before I needed to hear "I love you" again?
It continues to amaze me the depth of the unsatisfaction of my heart. There is that constant, hungering, unquenchable ache for love and acceptance. It is a desire so strong that even when that man I love tells me for the 20,000th time that he loves me, there's a part of me that asks "Does he really mean that? And will he feel the same tomorrow?" Indeed, it is a hunger that God Himself has put inside the human heart, and God alone can quench it. But not even a simple "I love you" from God one time is enough to satisfy. It is a need that brings us to His feet day after day in an effort to drink and be filled. And God does not withold Himself. But without this constant need in our hearts, would we one day have enough and say we need no more assurance, no more guidance, no more of God's love? And then where would we be? I'm sure we have all at some point in our lives fallen into the deep chasm of trying to live on our own, only to find ourselves lost and destitute. It is that aforementioned weakness that actually keeps us strong in the arms of God.
I am so thankful that God addresses our need for love all throughout His Word. It is a message He repeats time and time again. And if hearing Him say "I love you" is not proof enough that He does, don't forget that whole giving up of His Son for sinners thing.
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. -Isaiah 54:10
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. -Jeremiah 31:3
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children- -Psalm 103:17
No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
-John 16:27
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! -1 John 3:1
It continues to amaze me the depth of the unsatisfaction of my heart. There is that constant, hungering, unquenchable ache for love and acceptance. It is a desire so strong that even when that man I love tells me for the 20,000th time that he loves me, there's a part of me that asks "Does he really mean that? And will he feel the same tomorrow?" Indeed, it is a hunger that God Himself has put inside the human heart, and God alone can quench it. But not even a simple "I love you" from God one time is enough to satisfy. It is a need that brings us to His feet day after day in an effort to drink and be filled. And God does not withold Himself. But without this constant need in our hearts, would we one day have enough and say we need no more assurance, no more guidance, no more of God's love? And then where would we be? I'm sure we have all at some point in our lives fallen into the deep chasm of trying to live on our own, only to find ourselves lost and destitute. It is that aforementioned weakness that actually keeps us strong in the arms of God.
I am so thankful that God addresses our need for love all throughout His Word. It is a message He repeats time and time again. And if hearing Him say "I love you" is not proof enough that He does, don't forget that whole giving up of His Son for sinners thing.
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. -Isaiah 54:10
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. -Jeremiah 31:3
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children- -Psalm 103:17
No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
-John 16:27
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! -1 John 3:1
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