“Dear Future Husband”: The Bachelor Effect

Meghan Trainor has come out with a new fun doo-wop hit sure to be stuck in everyone’s minds for weeks to come.  I wrote letters (not songs), to my future husband as a younger woman and I completely understand the excitement and longing that come with being a single woman daydreaming of a future spouse.  Admittedly, my letters were naively sentimental, but I admit I was shocked to hear the sassy, self-indulgent lyrics presented by Ms. Trainor.  I am confident if she sang this song in all seriousness to a suitor he would not be “buy-buy”-ing a ring.  It’s the kind of “take, no give” I like to call “The Bachelor Effect.”  Every season on this reality show a man is presented to a group of women as looking for a future wife.  For some unknown reason, the next few weeks are spent with women throwing themselves at the same man who does nothing to win their affections.  I can’t help but wonder what happens when the cameras are gone and the “winning” woman is left with the reality of who her prince really is- an imperfect man who may or may not deserve her affections.

Meghan Trainor’s song “Dear Future Husband” is similar in its assumption that a man must work hard for her affections with little in return.  Ms. Trainor makes a long list of demands from her future husband and warns “don’t think I’ll be home and baking pies.”  She also makes a bizarre threat, “And know we’ll never see your family more than mine.”  She does agree she’ll at least buy groceries (clearly the most important aspect of any marriage relationship), but demands the left side of the bed and daily compliments.  She then proceeds to make statements that I believe border on abuse:

 “After every fight / Just apologize / And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right / Even if I was wrong / You know I'm never wrong / Why disagree?”

Despite Ms. Trainor's insistence to the contrary, this statement is wrong for several reasons.  She is disrespecting her partner’s feelings and opinions and minimalizing her role in the conflict.  In addition, she is using physical intimacy to manipulate her husband. She reiterates this sentiment later: “Open doors for me and you might get some kisses.”  This is a kind of blatant manipulation that is never seen in healthy relationships.  Withholding intimacy for selfish reasons is abusive.  In addition, she’s asking her husband to lie by leaving conflicts unresolved and by fulfilling her demands just to get to what he wants from her, thus repeating the cycle.

I don’t want to ignore the importance of having standards in a future spouse.  It’s important for young women to have the self-respect to demand their future husbands treat them well (and vice versa).  However, shouldn’t we as women take it upon ourselves to be decent wives for our husbands?  Despite what this song and The Bachelor may teach us, selfishness kills relationships.  Let’s learn to give to those we love and then whatever we get we’ll cherish.  The “I deserve it” mentality is robbing us of joy.

Love and Hate at the MN State Fair

The "Great Minnesota Get-Together" has come and gone, a sure sign that summer has ended and this "winter" thing I keep hearing about will soon hit me like a Dairy Queen Blizzard to the face.  Jerrion and I had the pleasure of attending this fabled festivity on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.  We parked in one of the many park-n-rides in Minneapolis and swiftly found ourselves on the bus to the fairgrounds.  Along with us on the bus were several giddy small children who kept asking every parent's favorite question, "Are we there yet?"  Their squeaky little voices rambled on with excitement about all the animals they would see, the rides they would scream on, and the sweets they might feast on!  Finally the bus came to a stop and all the families exited the bus and began the short walk to the ticket booth.

Amid all the excitement and cuteness of the families in front of us, I was truly dumbstruck by what greeted us just before the entrance gates:  "God hates you!"  "You're a whore!"  "Cover your nakedness!"

Now I don't know if it was Westboro Baptist or some other hate group-wannabes, but sure enough, there to protest everyone's fun was a small group of men and women carrying signs with the above phrases written on them.  Although I kind of agree with the last sign I mentioned (booty shorts, anyone?), to say that I was irate with the other statements would be an understatement.

The first image that came to my mind was Jesus knocking over tables.  Do you know what made Jesus angry in the Bible?  I mean really angry?  Angry enough to use words like "hypocrites," "brood of vipers," and "sons of hell" (Matthew 23)?  Jesus was infuriated by the spiritual authorities of the day who added to the Scriptures and condemned people without offering them grace.  Rather than calling the woman caught in the act of adultery a "whore" Jesus saved her from being stoned and then forgave her (John 8).  Jesus was harsh with judgmental people and merciful to repentant sinners.  He loves imperfect people and offers unmerited favor and inexhaustible grace.

Jerrion and I had a great time at the fair.  We sipped fresh-from-the-cow milkshakes, gawked at giant vegetables, petted alpacas, and learned more about the Minnesota culture.  It should be noted that 90% of the state fair here is related to food.  Oh, and next time you see someone spitting hate just remember that Jesus sacrificed his life because the opposite is true: God loves you.

My Hero

I'd like to spend a few minutes today sharing about a great woman's life.  Sallie Ride was a great inspiration for women to reach their dreams, and women around America are mourning her loss.  But there's another strong woman who defied social norms that I want to talk about today - my cousin.

Of all my family members I have always felt the strongest connection to her, most certainly because we both felt different from the rest of the family.  Teresa always did what she felt was right, even when it went against the strong Southern values of the rest of the family.  Teresa was a free-spirited artist, yet was incredibly down to earth.  She loved to garden and to make things - food, sculptures, whatever she wanted.  She loved antiques and nature.  She had her own orchard and complained when the city built a highway near her property.  She loved vegetarian cook books.  She loved order, and I inherited my love for libraries and all things alphabetized from her.  Most importantly, Teresa loved God.  She demonstrated that in a way few of us ever do- with her money.  Teresa was an incredibly generous woman when it came to God.  Ironically, what annoyed the rest of the family is what made me love her most.  Teresa lived out her own values to the fullest despite what everyone else wanted her to do.

Cancer often comes into our lives without knocking.  There was no way of knowing how quickly it would steal her away from me.  James 4:14 KJV tells us " Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." How quickly she vanished.  And how quickly her memory seems to vanish from the rest of the family - but not from me.  In true Teresa fashion, she is leaving her house to the church, something that has angered the rest of the family.  My good friend Hannah said it best "I am actually shocked but thrilled that Teresa would leave her house to her church! :) It's very fitting. If she has no dependents, why leave it to people who probably don't need it and aren't really part of her life?"  How well said!  What an inspiration she was to me, to follow my faith to the fullest!  I really hope she knew what she meant to me.  I have the hope that if she didn't, I can tell her all about it when I see her in heaven.  What a mansion she'll have there.  These are the heroes we need - not just women who flew into space despite the cultural stigma against them (although we need those, too!), but real, every day women who led their lives the way they felt best, even when their own family resented them for it.  And what a kind and loving heart she kept through it all!

Owning Ordinary

When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw Jesus eating with the tax collectors and "sinners," they asked his followers, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?"

Jesus heard this and said to them, "It is not the healthy people who need a doctor, but the sick. I did not come to invite good people but to invite sinners." -Mark 2:16, 17

Children in America are taught from birth to become "anything you want to be."  We are given this idea that the world is at our fingertips and we must simply reach for what we desire.  But how realistic is that?  Often preference in America is given to those of a certain racial, socioeconomical, and educational status.  And even with those things, this is a competitive country, and positions are often granted based on who you know.  I have several close friends who are still holding out and waiting for nothing less than their utopian dream jobs.  While I of all people would absolutely encourage trying for those things, at some point you have to move out of your parents' basement.  No one prepared me for an office job.  I was prepared to go to outer space and fly airplanes and go to the Olympics and be rich and famous. Those images are so stuck in brain that as I sit at my cushy, airconditioned desk at a job I love surrounded by great co-workers who are passionate about what they do I still stop and question- is this ok?  Is it ok for me to just work here?

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about.  In a similar way, no one taught me how to be an ordinary Christian.  I heard a great deal about "discovering God's calling for your life."  It sounded so important I thought surely He was sending me somewhere fabulously exotic.  I watched my peers commit to being pastors, youth leaders, worship leaders, and missionaries.  I thought surely God was "calling" me to become a missionary, since that seemed to be the thing to do.  Yet here I sit at the age of 26, with a desk job and a husband who loves Jesus as much as I do.  Did I miss God's "calling?"

I find it fascinating that Jesus ministered to so many ordinary people.  I am still amazed when I consider the story of the woman at the well (John 4).  Who was this woman?  Why did Jesus spend His precious time on her?  There was nothing great or special about her.  But Jesus went out of his way to pour His love out on her.  There is no record of her becoming a great missionary or a pastor.  She simply told her friends what God had done for her.

So is it ok for me go to work, go home, have dinner with my spouse, and go to bed?  Is it ok for me to just join a Bible study, and try to set a good example for others whether they ask me about Jesus or not?  Micah 6:8 tells us "The Lord has told you, human, what is good;  he has told you what he wants from you: to do what is right to other people, love being kind to others, and live humbly, obeying your God." To my best understanding, Scripture teaches us that God desires a relationship with us.  He desires us to be fulfilled and happy in Him.  He wants us to know we are loved and to glorify Him because of his mercy.  Our life goal should be simply to know God.  If God called me to be an "ordinary" child of His, I could not be happier to be Ordinary.

*disclaimer* I have been friends and loved ones who are in the ministry and want to be sure to express how much respect I have for those in full-time positions.  My goal is not to at all belittle that calling.  I simply want to address the fact that my personal experiences did not teach me that God could bless a life that was not devoted to full-time ministry as a profession.  That was a lack of knowledge on my part that I am owning up to.

To the Last and Highest Degree

I struggle with understanding God's love.  Always have.  The fact that I am a sinner and that my sin has brought me under a perfect God's judgment makes complete sense to me.  But I cannot understand why God chooses to display His mercy to me when I don't deserve it.  I'm mad thankful for it, don't get me wrong, but it defies my reasoning capabilities.  Let me share with you something that blew my mind yesterday.

John 13:1(AMP) - " [NOW] BEFORE the Passover Feast began, Jesus knew (was fully aware) that the time had come for Him to leave this world and return to the Father. And as He had loved those who were His own in the world, He loved them to the last and to the highest degree." (emphasis added by me).

Now when God said He loved somebody to the "highest degree" that's not just puppy love.  That's the kind of love that only a God can obtain.  And when the passage mentions "those who were His own in the world" I get the distinct impression that he's not just talking about the 11 disciples.  He's talking about ALL the people in the world over all time that are His - meaning those who want him and choose to follow him.  Why, that includes ME!  Could it really be possible that at the last supper feast, when Jesus knew he was about to face the cross, when Jesus was "troubled in spirit" (v. 21), that he thought about me?  That he was reminding himself about all of his adopted children?  And how could he have loved us "to the highest degree" if he were not to give his life for us?

It's a topic I need to meditate on for at least the next couple of years. :)

Part Dos

Part 2 of my article "Carried Away" has been posted at http://www.risingvoice.com/format/thoughts/carried-away-part-2/.  Thank you to all who have read and left comments!  The more buzz the more likely I am to be invited to write again!  It is truly appreciated!

Rising Voice

It's here!  Part 1 of my article "Carried Away" was posted today on Rising Voice, a webzine brought to you by Citizenlink, an offiliate of Focus on the Family.  Part 2 will be posted tomorrow at risingvoice.com.  Check it out!!!

http://www.risingvoice.com/format/thoughts/carried-away/

Friendship Woes

Have you ever had to stand by while you watched a close friend make a decision that you feel is the wrong one?  Maybe it's not the wrong decision, but to you it just doesn't feel right.  Maybe you told this person your concerns and they blew you off.  Or maybe, like me, you haven't talked in a while and you wonder how can I start a 4 year gap in communication with "you are making a horrible life choice"?  It's a tough spot to be in, a painful one.  Any stories or thoughts?

Nicodemus, Myself

While reading through the book of John in the Amplified Bible, I was struck by the story of Nicodemus coming to Jesus in a way I never have been before.  You probably know the story from chapter 3 well.  Nicodemus, a Pharisee and member of the Sanhedrin, sneaks away to meet Jesus in the night.  He questions Christ about salvation, and Jesus tells him he must be born again of the spirit.  With just a little more research you will find out that the Pharisees were the religious leaders of the day.  They were, unfortunately, obsessed with works and legalism and were, to use a crass term, holier-than-thou.  They hated Jesus, because he claimed the authority from God that they desperately wanted, and he told them their hearts were corrupted.  But Nicodemus was different.  He saw the miracles of Jesus and started to let himself believe that maybe he was the Christ prophesied about.  But he was too ashamed to let his fellow Pharisees know this, so he snuck away like a criminal to see Jesus.

I've read the story a dozen times, but never before have I identified with the man.  Of course I would have a better understanding of the heart of the Old Testament.  I would never have been like a Pharisee!  (Not to mention that as a woman I would have been forbidden to pray out loud).  And yet, in 2011, after years of following Jesus, I find myself looking into Nicodemus' shrinking eyes and seeing myself in the reflection.

How am I like Nicodemus?  Is there a day that goes by that I do not deny Christ in some way?  The desire for acceptance often leads me away from my forgiving Father into a crowd of my peers.  I find myself wanting to fit in so much, I act is if I have to keep my Christianity hidden in a closet.  I'll let the conversation go just shy of too far, speak with answers I know others want to hear, and nod in agreement of activities I know I don't participate in.  I'll keep my Christianity a secret from people I just meet, only mentioning my faith when absolutely necessary.  It's like living a double life.  And the truth is, to be "successful" by the world's standards as a Christian, that is what you have to do.  But why, when I examine the consequences, would I choose to love the world when the Light of the world is beconning me to eternity with Him?  Oh that I could instead be like John the Baptist, whom we see later in the same chapter of John.  There was a man that lived a life without shame.  A man who spoke the Word of the Lord even when he was silent.  Oh that I could live my life like John, who was later beheaded for his faith, and entered eternity as a man who gave his all for love of the Lord.  Much more is such a life than the life led in cowardice.



(disclaimer:  I know that in a way it was brave for Nicodemus to risk his position for Christ.  But in the scope of eternity how much better is it to say "I don't even care about my position; I'm going to Jesus publicly."  I understand there is exception for people today in other parts of the world who must keep silent in persecution and share the Gospel in secrecy.  Take my comments with a grain of salt) :)

Success!

I recently posted a little teaser about a nibble I got from a publisher.  I am proud to announce that that organization is Focus on the Family and they have accepted my article for publication on their webzine, Rising Voice!  I'll be sure to post the link to the article here once it is uploaded!

Little Reminders

On the way back from court yesterday my car stalled out in the turn lane.  Panicked, all I could think of was this comical image of myself in the middle of the street trying fruitlessly to push my car to the shoulder for all of the halted drivers to see.  I was eventually able to restart the car and drive it, sputtering, to the shoulder.  Thankfully there was a Waffle House across the street where I was able to seek sanctuary while I waited almost 3 hours for the tow truck.  I'm so glad I didn't run my phone battery down playing Angry Birds that day.

It's the little things in life that remind me I'm not running the show.  I live in a fallen world, not "Monica Land."  Bad things happen every day, and I'm not exempt from them.  In this way God uses me to empathize with others, and help as I have been helped.  It's a reminder that we are all at some point helpless and vulnerable, not as independent as we all like to believe we are.  God reminded me of my dependence on Him, something I often try to deny.  He can give a car and take away a car, and even with no car I am far wealthier than most people in the world dream to be.

Car's in the shop, I'm anxiously awaiting the estimated damage.  I'm moved by how many coworkers have offered to give me rides, and am thankful to have a husband with a working vehicle.  I need these little reminders in my life that I don't control my own destiny, no matter how much I foolishly attempt to.

Nibble Nibble

What a Monday!  I had no idea when I shook myself awake this morning what God had in store for me!  I was just proud of myself for getting on the elliptical instead of sleeping in.

I got a nibble on my article submission!!  I submitted to a webzine that unfortunately rejected me but forwarded my article on to another webzine that may be a better fit!  Not sure if anything will come of it, but the editor thought it was good enough to forward on!  I can't say what the webzine is, you'll just have to guess.  Let's just say being associated with this organization would be a huge honor!

To top it all off, I've got court today to finalize an adoption for a sweet little boy.  I get to witness a child receiving a permanent family!  I never thought a Monday could be so sweet!

The Distressed Maiden Factor

Boys really like rushing to the aid of a lady in distress, even if she's not all that distressed.  It all started a few weeks ago when I just wanted to listen to my Jeremy Camp cd.  I was changing cds and driving through my apartment complex when I didn't notice the gutter that juts out from the curb.  POW!  I popped my passenger tire. My husband graciously took off the damaged tire and drove to Discount Tire to get a replacement.  However, I hit so hard that I cracked the rim, and a new one had to be ordered.

I went in today to replace the rim.  I was further frustrated to learn from staff that my two back tires are worn and need to be replaced as well.  "Let's wait until I can contact my husband." I told the incredulous attendant. "But you need tires!  What if you have to drive in the rain?"  I'm thinking "I'll be living in the rain if I buy those tires without checking the bank account first" but politely answered, "I just need to check my budget, I'll come back tomorrow if it's ok."  All eyes were on me in the waiting room as he rolled the tread-less tire back outside.  Immediately criticism and advice starting coming from all sides of the waiting area from the men waiting on their cars.  "Does your husband do the maintenance?" "Did you contact the apartment complex about painting that gutter?" "You need to rotate your tires more often" "Who changes your oil?" etc. etc.  You would have thought I didn't know what a car was.  One gentleman told me "You should rotate your tires after every oil change.  Every 5,000 miles."  "Every 5,000?" I replied, sure that I needed to change my oil more frequently than that.  "You don't know much about cars, do you?"  the man replied.  I wanted to say "You don't know much about knitting, do you?" but withheld my words.  Soon my car was ready and I rolled into work, glad to be far away from the testosterone ridden tire shop.  Alas, sounds like I'll be a stressed maiden again far too soon.

2 Years Later

You may or may not know that in May 2010 a devastating flood swept through the city of Nashville.  Dozens were killed as a result of the flood and many people lost their homes.  The Opryland Hotel and Opry Mills Mall were destroyed, both huge sources of income for Nashville.  A year later, many homes are still left vacant as flood victims were unable to afford to rebuild.  Many places have rebuilt including Opryland and the Opryland hotel, which have been open for business for several months.  It was reported yesterday that at last Opry Mills Mall has set a date for relaunch.  The mega-mall will reopen in March of 2012 (see http://www.wsmv.com/story/14949074/opry-mills-to-reopen-in-march-2012 for the full story).  March 2012. Wow.  It amazes me that it will take 2 years to recover something that was destroyed within an hour.  I can't forget the aerial shots on the news of the mall I have visited time and time again, the flood waters rushing out the doors carrying loads of merchandise with it like a giant demented washing machine.  It's not about a mall, of course.  It's about recovery and normality.  It's about adapting and overcoming.  No doubt the re-opening will a fresh breath, a beacon of hope for the citizens of Nashville.  Proof positive that we can move forward. I can't wait.

Lessons from Hatchlings

For the past several weeks I have watched an elegant momma bluejay sit on her nest.  Being on the top floor, her little crafted home was eye level to our guest room.  She puffed out her little body during rainstorms, and cut her beady eyes at me when she would catch me staring.  I've watched her little eggs hatch and seen tiny bald balls with wide open mouths awaiting her return.  Day after day she stuck by her hatchlings.  Poppa bluejay occassionally made his appearance by dropping off bugs he'd snatched from the earth.  The bald heads that seemed to be all mouth gradually filled out until one day they looked like adult bird heads.  Gaulky and half-feathered, the 5 hatchlings began overtaking the nest until there was no room for momma.  It was the next day when I observed the nest empty.  Fighting my instincts, I couldn't help but look down.  There on the isolated ground I saw two little ones.  Were they pushed from the nest, did they fall, were they not mature enough yet to fly?  Where are the other 3?  Did they make it?  Is momma bird mournful, or have her instincts simply told her to move on?  Questions like these flood my mind, and I wonder how many little birds mature successfully to adulthood, and what is the point of caring for them so meticulously when half of them won't make it? I search for meaning in the tragedy, but my futile mind finds none.  All I can remember in this moment are the words of our sweet Savior:

 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And [yet] not one of them is forgotten or uncared for in the presence of God. But [even] the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be struck with fear or seized with alarm; you are of greater worth than many [flocks] of sparrows." -Luke 12:6,7 (AMP)

Sparknotes Got Me Through College. Now There's....

So I found this great new website I wanted to share!  It's http://www.sparkrecipes.com/ and all the recipes listed are low calorie and healthy.  The calorie content is listed for all them, and for those of you doing the sugar-free diet with me, I've only found one recipe so far that calls for sugar (brown sugar to be exact!).  Most of the recipes that require sugar call for splenda.  Of course you have to make up your own mind about artificial sweeteners.  A good friend of mine who is a 4th year med student said there is no research to support a link between artificial sweeteners and cancer.  He is a diabetic and guzzles Diet Coke like it's water.  I have my own less educated opinions - it just doesn't seem right to ingest something that isn't food into your body.  Aren't artificial sweeteners just chemicals?  And yet all too often I find myself ordering that Diet Coke with my lunch at Subway, and feasting on sugar free fro-yo at Sweet Cece's.  Anyway, I've found some great recipes on this site and there are hundreds listed.  You can browse by meal, ethnic cuisine, dietary restrictions, and, my personal favorite, "time to make."  There's no feeling in the world like throwing a bunch of stuff in a crockpot and knowing you'll have a healthy, low-cal dinner when you get home.  Unless I have a day off work, minimal prep is my favorite phrase. :)

Just Let Go...It's So Easy!

Time and time again I hear people talking about submitting their wills to Christ and letting Him take over their day to day lives.  This is wonderful, if I may understate it, but the wording makes it sound so easy.  It's as if one can simply say "here you go, God, I'm all yours!" and instantly those selfish "But I WANT" thoughts leave one's mind forever.  I have not found this to be my experience.  Whenever I get fed up of making poor decisions and tell God I'd rather do it His way, no sooner have the words left my lips than the "but I wants" start creeping into the picture.

I had to sit back and ask myself how I really think God wants me to spend my time.  Not in a faraway, one-day-I'll-be-a-missionary sense, but in a practical, within-the-next-24-hours sense.  Based on the example of Jesus in Scripture, I figured God would probably like it if I kept Him in mind in everything I do.  How can I do that practically?  Also based on the example of Jesus, I thought the easiest way would be to start the morning off reading the Word and getting in some prayer time.  Somehow I always talk myself out of this because there are other things I think I need to be doing.  I spent some time with a college friend of mine and his wife this month, and he made a challenging statement, "I'd rather have a wife that has had her quiet time than a wife that has cleaned the house."  A bold statement, and one that really made me question my priorities.  Why exactly do I think the dishes need to be washed when their is an eternal Creator that would like to be acknowledged by His creation?  So I started taking the time out to read the Word and spend a few moments in prayer with my Abba.

What surprised me about taking the time to do this every morning, even when I'm tired and I want to get to work on time and I need to thaw out the chicken, is that my thoughts really were more full of the Lord throughout the daytime.  It made it so much easier to make the right decisions because God was at the forefront of my mind.  How incredible to have eternity at the top of my priority list!

And for the record, no, I didn't get as much done this week as I would have liked to.  My complicated seared chicken recipe did not get made.  I didn't hit the snooze button for 15 extra minutes of sleep in the morning.  It was hard work committing to my time in the Word in the morning and at night.  But the cats still got fed, the apartment stayed relatively clean, I didn't lose sleep and I was productive at work.  My relationships were better and I was much less tempted to take part in the gossip at work.  James knew what he was talking about when he wrote "“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8).  Take the extra effort today to commune with God! 

"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity." -John Piper

Announcing the New Blog Title!

Finally picked an original title I can google and nothing else comes up! :)  I gathered this title (with a little help) from words and images I have used in past poetry.  I hope you enjoy! :)

Mary Catherine Strobel Volunteer Awards

I was privileged to attend this year's award luncheon in Cool Springs.  The dining room was filled with many inspiring men and women from across Tennessee.  From an 11 year old who raised over $2000 for the food bank, to an 80 year old woman who continues to wash and mend clothing for the poor after over 30 years, to an organization who produces bike riding events for the blind, I am honored to have heard your stories today.  And thanks to the Youth Villages Mentor Liaisons, you all work round the clock to keep me sane!!

That's me!